I’ve read the Book of Revelation more times than I care to admit, and I have come to one firm conclusion — John of Patmos had absolutely no idea what kind of memes he was going to generate.
In all seriousness, eschatology and what’s happening in Israel is one of the most debated, most misunderstood, and most dramatic topics in all of scripture. But Abba has a sense of humour — I’m sure of it. So here are a few jokes for those of us who’ve read the last chapter of the Bible and know how it ends.
Why did the angel pour out the vial slowly?
Because even in the tribulation, good things take time.
What did the Laodicean church say when offered a hot coffee?
“No thanks, I’m fine either way.”
(Rev 3:16 — “Because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.”)
How many prophetic conferences does it take to interpret the Book of Revelation?
Nobody knows. They’re still going.
What did the Four Horsemen say when they arrived early?
“We were told no one knows the day or the hour — we took a chance.”
John: “I have messages for seven churches.”
Church member: “Great! Email them.”
John: “Sorry, it’s still the first century. Best I can do is an apocalypse.”
The angel said, “Take the scroll and eat it.”
John replied, “Are there any gluten-free prophecies available?”
Why did the 144,000 not need earplugs at the throne of God?
They had already learned a song no one else could sing. They were prepared.
(Rev 14:3)
What’s the most stressful job in heaven?
Being the angel holding back the four winds while everyone gets sealed. No pressure.
(Rev 7:1)
What did the mark of the beast’s marketing team say?
“It’s completely cashless, completely painless, and you won’t be able to buy groceries without it. Early adopters get a discount.”
(Some things write themselves. Rev 13:17)
Why did the New Jerusalem not need street lights?
Management provided their own illumination.
(Rev 21:23 — “The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light.”)
What did John say after eating the scroll?
“Sweet in the mouth, bitter in the stomach. Honestly, same as most of the news these days.”
(Rev 10:10)
Why was the angel standing in the sun?
Best spot in the house. Zero clouds. Unobstructed view of the proceedings.
(Rev 19:17)
The Four Horsemen rode into town.
The fifth horseman arrived twenty minutes later.
Traffic on the road to Armageddon was terrible.
Seven angels were given trumpets.
One angel asked, “Do we have sheet music?”
Another replied, “No, we’re improvising.”
The Beast tried to launch a social media account.
Unfortunately, everyone was already talking about the number in his username.
Angel: “The city streets are made of gold.”
Tourist: “Can I take some home?”
Angel: “That’s called stealing in every covenant.”
What do you call a Christian who has read Revelation twelve times and still isn’t sure about the timeline?
Honest.
John: “I’m stranded on a rocky island.”
God: “I have a writing project for you.”
John: “I was hoping for a rescue boat.”
Jokes aside, the Book of Revelation is one of the most extraordinary pieces of writing in scripture — and far less terrifying once you understand that it was written for the church, not against her. If you’ve never read a proper summary of it, I’ve written a short chapter by chapter breakdown that doesn’t require a theology degree to follow. Read the Book of Revelation chapter by chapter summary →
And if you’d like something to read offline or share with a friend who keeps asking what Revelation is actually about, the ebook version is available for $1.99. Download The Book of Revelation: A Summary →
Other posts you might enjoy:
- What Is Zionism?
- Jewish Feasts for Christians
- Christian Fasting — the Different Type
- Who are the Palestinians?
- God’s retaliation against Israel’s enemies
Heya, I’m Abby! I’m a Gourmand Award-winning cookbook author and East Indian from Bombay, India. This blog is all about faith, food, and culture – from East Indian recipes to home, DIY, and spending time in the Word. Find out more about me here!